Leaving a relationship where you were monitored or controlled usually comes with a long digital to-do list: change the passwords, check the phone, untangle the shared accounts. The list itself is manageable. What matters more — and what most generic security advice gets wrong — is the order you do things in.
Done in the wrong order, a security clean-up can destroy evidence you may later need, and can alert a former partner that you are locking them out, sometimes at the moment you are least safe. Done in the right order, the same steps protect both you and your legal position. This guide walks through that order, at whatever pace suits you.
One principle sits above everything else: if you suspect your phone or accounts are being monitored, do your planning and research on a safe device — a trusted friend’s phone, a work computer, a library computer — not the device in question. And if you are ever in immediate danger, call 000. For confidential support and safety planning, 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732.
Step 0: Decide whether you need a forensic check first
Before changing anything, ask an honest question: is there anything on this phone, or in these accounts, that might matter legally? Abusive messages, threats, evidence of tracking or account intrusion, financial control playing out in banking apps?
If yes — and it usually is — preserve before you clean. Resetting a phone, deleting threads, or even changing passwords can wipe records that would have supported a protection order or family court matter. Evidence of stalkerware is a striking example: the installation itself, and its timing, is often the strongest proof — and a factory reset erases it completely. If you suspect monitoring software, read our guide to checking a phone for stalkerware before doing anything, because removal can also notify the person who installed it.
Preserving does not have to mean a full forensic engagement on day one. At minimum, do not reset or discard devices, do not mass-delete, and talk to your lawyer or a support service about what matters. Where the stakes are higher, a forensic extraction captures everything as it stands — messages, deleted data where recoverable, signs of monitoring — so you can then secure everything freely, knowing the record is safe.
Step 1: Start from a clean foundation
If there is any real chance your current phone is compromised, securing accounts from that phone is self-defeating — new passwords typed into a monitored device are not new for long.
The cleanest approach is to get a new or known-clean device (even a modest prepaid phone) and, ideally, a new SIM or number, then do the account work from there. Set it up with a new passcode and passwords the other person could never guess — not birthdays, not pets, not variations of old passwords they knew. If a new device is not feasible, a phone that has been forensically examined and cleared is the next best foundation.
Also create a new email address the other person knows nothing about, from a safe device. It will become the recovery anchor for everything that follows.
Step 2: Untangle shared plans, family sharing and linked devices
This is the layer people most often miss, and it is how a great deal of post-separation monitoring actually happens — no spyware required.
- Mobile plan: if your number sits on a plan the other person holds or shares, the account holder may be able to see call and usage records, or take control of the number. Move your number to a plan solely in your name.
- Family Sharing (Apple) / Family Link and family groups (Google): leave any family group that includes the other person, and check what it was sharing — location, purchases, and in some configurations far more.
- Location sharing: check Find My, Google Maps location sharing, Snapchat’s map and similar features for shares you forgot existed.
- Linked devices and sessions: sign out all other sessions on your Apple ID, Google account, WhatsApp (Settings → Linked Devices), email, banking and social accounts. An old iPad at their house, still signed into your iCloud, receives your messages indefinitely. Our article Is My Ex Reading My Messages? covers these pathways in detail.
- Email rules: check your email for forwarding rules or filters you did not create — a quietly added forwarding rule survives every password change until it is found and deleted.
A note on timing: being removed from shared plans and location sharing is visible to the other person. Where there are safety concerns, coordinate the timing of this step with your safety plan or support service rather than doing it on impulse.
Step 3: Rebuild account security properly
Now, from your clean device, work through accounts in order of importance — email first (it resets everything else), then banking, government services like myGov, Apple/Google, and social media. For each:
- Change the password to something long and unique. Use a reputable password manager to generate and store them; it is the only realistic way to keep dozens of strong, unique passwords.
- Update recovery details. This is the step that actually locks someone out. Recovery email and phone numbers are still set to the ex’s details more often than people expect — and whoever controls recovery controls the account, whatever the password is.
- Turn on two-factor authentication — but prefer an authenticator app over SMS codes. If your number is on a plan the other person controls, or could be transferred through them, SMS codes may reach them.
- Review security settings: trusted devices, app passwords, connected third-party apps, and account access or delegation settings.
Check what each platform’s security or privacy check-up tool shows — Apple’s Safety Check on iPhone is specifically designed for this situation and shows in one place what you are sharing and with whom.
Step 4: Don’t forget the children’s devices
In shared-custody situations, children’s phones, tablets and consoles move between households. Parental-control apps, family sharing and location settings on a child’s device can reveal your address, routines and the child’s whereabouts while in your care. Review what is installed and what it shares — being mindful that removing legitimate co-parenting arrangements may need legal advice first, and that changes will usually be visible to the other parent. Trackers hidden in children’s belongings are a related risk; see our guide on GPS trackers and AirTags.
When to bring in a professional
Most of this guide you can do yourself, gradually. Professional help earns its place when the stakes are legal, or when uncertainty itself is the problem: you cannot tell whether the phone is clean, whether an account was accessed, or how they still seem to know things. A forensic examination answers those questions with evidence rather than guesswork, preserved in a form a court will accept.
Digital Forensics Group provides discreet device checks, evidence preservation and account-compromise investigation for people leaving abusive relationships across Australia and New Zealand. Our domestic violence assistance page explains how we work; you can reach us confidentially on +61 499 475 408 — from a safe device.
